Luck, Intentionality, and the Work of Staying Married

A few days ago, I came across a thought shared by my cousin, Tosin Falusi, on his WhatsApp status. He reflected on the delicate balance between luck and intentionality in marriages that endure. It lingered with me longer than I expected, perhaps because I found myself approaching a personal milestone: my 17th wedding anniversary on April 18.

Seventeen years is long enough to move past theory. It forces a man to confront what truly sustains a union, beyond sentiment and ceremony.

There is, to begin with, the matter of luck. Some will call it favour. Others will frame it in more practical terms, such as compatibility, timing, or shared values. Whatever the label, it is difficult to deny that many people enter marriage with the hope that something beyond their control will tilt the odds in their favour. They pray, seek counsel, look for signs, and do their best to make the right choice.

And yet, experience complicates that belief. One does not have to look far to find unions that seemed perfectly matched from the outset but still unraveled with time. The presence of “luck” at the beginning, it appears, does not guarantee endurance.

This is where intentionality asserts itself.

If luck is what brings two people together, intentionality is what keeps them together. It is the quiet, often uncelebrated discipline of choosing the relationship repeatedly, even when the conditions that once made it effortless have changed.

Because they do change.

The early days of a marriage are usually marked by anticipation and emotional intensity. Conversations are frequent, presence is desired, and the future feels like a shared adventure. Over time, however, familiarity settles in. The excitement softens. Responsibilities grow. The very things that once felt new begin to feel routine.

At some point, the relationship must confront a sobering reality: feelings alone are not durable enough to carry it indefinitely.

Intentionality, then, becomes the bridge between what was felt and what must now be sustained. It is expressed in small, consistent actions. In patience during disagreements. In the decision to communicate even when silence feels easier. In the willingness to adapt, forgive, and remain present.

It is also, importantly, mutual. A union cannot be carried indefinitely by one person’s effort. The strength of a marriage lies not just in individual commitment, but in shared resolve. When both parties remain invested in the work of staying together, the relationship develops a resilience that can withstand the ordinary pressures of life.

However, when that investment begins to fade, the foundation weakens. Disinterest, whether gradual or sudden, is often more dangerous than conflict. At that point, even the most promising beginnings may struggle to hold.

Seventeen years in, one lesson stands out with clarity: a successful union is not merely the product of a good start. It is the result of sustained effort over time. Luck may open the door, but it is intentionality that keeps it from closing.

As I mark this anniversary, I do so with a sense of gratitude and perspective. Gratitude for the journey shared, and perspective for the work that continues.

Happy 17th anniversary to us, my dear Olorì Àpèkẹ́ Dorcas Ajibola-Ige. Thank you for choosing this path, and for remaining steadfast in that choice.

Here’s to the years ahead.